you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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