Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
