I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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