you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize