You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
