In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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