I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize