doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
