Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
