My liver just broke up with me...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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