sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
