Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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