While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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