You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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