I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize