I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
