I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
