This is not my ceiling
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
