Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
