Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
