Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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