I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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