i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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