my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
