I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
