Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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