There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize