she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
