my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
