so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just high enough for therapy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
