the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize