i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
