Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
