I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
