I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
