wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
