Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
