The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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