Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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