I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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