When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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