I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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