First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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