3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
