I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Everclear isn't food dammit
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
