My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My vagina just clenched in fear
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
