how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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