Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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