her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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