Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
