I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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