I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
