take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i love accidental penises.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
