you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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