He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
