I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i've created a new STD.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
