I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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