cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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