i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
