I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
