My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize