I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't think brook has ever known best
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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