Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
