the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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