Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
40s are totally the cure
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
