Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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