I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
