The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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