My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
