I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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