turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
